just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
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My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
*bites zombie*
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about