WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
You Might Also Like
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
“no gods no masters” = leo
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*