rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
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Beauty and the Beast
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”