Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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tell em, edith-anne
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.