[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture