WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
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Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!