Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
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[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?