I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
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Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*