Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
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turn that frown upside down
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ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Got him!
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.