Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
No point crayon over spilled milk.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.