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Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Not today.. 😂
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!