WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
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If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
very niche meme I made
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
How your email finds me
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack