“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
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My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors