21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
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everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
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