Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
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Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Choose your fighter
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now