I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
You Might Also Like
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN