Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
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Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.