My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
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Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.