i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
You Might Also Like
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”