Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
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Something Saturday.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Breaking news:
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Rt to bother an English speaker