Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
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I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!