my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
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Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Not😆🤣
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.