Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
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So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money