I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
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lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house