STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
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My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Bro what is this
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.