Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
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[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting