Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
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4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation