I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
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Sooo many times…..
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
My neck, my back, my…
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.