Lmao
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Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies