ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
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My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Come back with a warrant
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.