You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
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I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.