Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
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Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
“I FIXED IT!”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
getting corrected
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.