I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
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His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Pass gas, not judgment.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.