Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
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Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word