I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Flock of bats
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.