Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
You Might Also Like
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Rooting for the overdog
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active