Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
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psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.