I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
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Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
The Weeknd is back
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.