If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
It’s a gift
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods