me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
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VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
This forever.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?