Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Tier 3 meme
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
🤣could you imagine
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
The struggle is real
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.