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Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Sheep
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.