I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
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Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries