Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
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Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Dolls on drugs
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,