[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
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Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Respect
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
i’m sure it’s fine
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.