ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
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When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions