doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
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I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D