Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
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My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
i will not be silenced
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.