Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.