5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
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Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.